How girls stay independent in an intimate relationship

at the book club, a girl asked, "how do girls stay independent in an intimate relationship?" What we have been taught since childhood is that in the emotional world, girls need to pay more than boys, so we often find that girls are the weak side. Due to the limited time, I only made a short answer at that time, so I couldn't discuss it in depth, so I'd like to say a few more words here.

Let's think about what is the most fundamental premise of "staying independent". Don't give more than each other? NO, NO, NO. How much you give has nothing to do with whether you are independent or not. The one who gives more is not necessarily independent, and the one who gives less is not necessarily independent. The key to giving is not how much, but whether you are willing to pay to the point. With unwillingness and resentment to pay, the more you pay, the more painful you feel. If you can make each other happy, you can also enjoy the happiness you pay for your sweetheart, no matter how much you pay.

many people struggle with how to "remain independent", but ignore an important fact: they may not be "independent enough" at all. As intimate relationships tend to expose the characteristics of a person's "non-independence", many people mistakenly think that "intimate relationships" create "non-independence". In fact, "intimate relationship" has never been the reason why a person is not independent. A truly independent person, she must also be independent in an intimate relationship. The most fundamental premise of "staying independent" is that you already have the trait of "independence".

how do girls stay independent in an intimate relationship?

it's simple: make yourself an independent person.

independence includes behavior independence and personality independence. Views around "behavioral independence" abound-girls have to be able to fix computers, cook, change tires, and so on. In my opinion, the independence of behavior is only the skin, and the foundation of women's independence is the independence of personality. If a person can do everything by himself, and his personality is not independent, in my opinion, he is still not an independent person. On the contrary, if a person's personality is independent, even if the computer can not be repaired, the tire can not be changed, the meal can not be cooked, and so on, I will think that this is an independent person. I can't get a computer, so I can find a maintenance center. If I can't cook, I can order takeout. To put it bluntly, it can be solved by a phone call. In a word: the independence of personality is the true independence.

Personality independence cannot be achieved by reading a few articles (including this one, of course). But reading can narrow the gap between "non-independence" and "independence" of personality. In my opinion, one's first step towards "independence" is to doubt.

Tudou was a child in Norway. On the first day of primary school, the teacher said to the children present, "you should learn to doubt anyone's words and think for yourself, including what I said." Looking back on my own primary school days, the teacher was some kind of "authority" and there was no room for you to question it. After growing up, I slowly found that many so-called "authority" is not the truth. The more "authoritative" things are, the more we should doubt them.

Sex Master is an American TV series that I like very much. It mainly tells the story of two pioneers in sexology research, William Masters and Virginia Johnson. In those days, both the open-minded "sex guru" William, and the gay hospital director Scully, still believed that "homosexuality is a disease", not to mention the general public. It is precisely because of the questioning of this authoritative view and the efforts of skeptics that in the western world, this view has been gradually replaced by "homosexuality is not a disease, it is as normal as heterosexuality." of course, anti-homosexual voices still exist, but more and more people have joined the ranks of breaking prejudice and discrimination.

in my opinion, many views on "incorrect values" are still domineering in the mainstream society of our country: "it is better to marry well than to do well", "housework is the exclusive property of women" & quot;, "divorced women drop the price", "women are born weaker than men", "women are too strong to be loved" and so on. We don't care what other people think, but we can choose whether to listen to those "authoritative opinions" and objectify ourselves, or to listen to our own inner voices and question them.

step 2: refuse.

if you are going to fully accept the values exported to you by society, you are advised not to waste time reading this article and not to worry about "how girls stay independent in an intimate relationship". It is painful for many people to realize that something is wrong with a mainstream view, but they are unable to change it. For example, you don't agree with the idea that there is something wrong with being single when XX is old, but you are overwhelmed by pressure from all sides, and even you begin to worry about what to do if you can't stand the pressure. I have always thought that in the vast majority of cases, only "reproductive love" will discriminate against single people, whether it is "homosexual" or "heterosexual". It is probably understandable that it is better to be alone if you cannot meet the one you like. However, because the number of "reproductive love" is too large, if you are still alone at the age of XX, you will always be looked down upon by some people. And those people are complacent because they stand on the side of "authority".

A person's power cannot change "authority", but one can refuse to accept it and refuse to be controlled by it. If you are determined to do what you don't want to do, no one will put a knife to your neck and force you to do it. In a sense, every "refusal" contributes to "change". More people "refuse", and many of today's authoritative views will one day become a joke. Don't forget that the idea that the sun goes around the earth was once an authority.

step 3: choose friends.

when I say "choose a friend", I mean "choose a friend". It doesn't matter if you don't have to make friends with wine and meat. Do your friends encourage you and give you anything when you are vulnerable?What kind of encouragement; whether and what kind of blessings your friends will give you when you are happy; what your friends' attitude is when you encounter problems; even if you chat with your friends when you have nothing to do, these things will exert an imperceptible influence on you. You have to learn to judge whether this friend's influence on you is benign or malignant. If your focus is on how to make yourself independent, and the good friends around you just want to catch a rich son-in-law and feel that you have been slept by a man in vain, then you have to stay away from people who run counter to you in these values. to be friends with those who pursue independence.

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many people have a great prejudice against the word "independence". They think that "independent women" refer to those women who "refuse love and men as long as they have a career". As mentioned earlier, "independence" is to choose, strive for and be responsible for one's own happiness. If an independent woman thinks that love and man are part of happiness, she will not refuse, but will wait or pursue it.

the above three steps need to be cyclically strengthened before it is possible to move towards independence. And these three steps are easy to go astray, after all, not all social authorities are incorrect. If you suspect too much, you may turn yourself into a delusional victim of persecution. If you reject authority too much, you may become a sociopath. It is also true to choose friends. The first two steps are not good, and this third step is likely to make you join a cult accidentally.

how to avoid going astray? The best way is to read books and reflect on yourself. Some people may ask, what book should I read? You read whatever books you are interested in. It is recognized that those awesome books, if you are not interested in reading, but are forced to "read" one by one, and can not digest and understand, you might as well put down the books and eat a bowl of beef noodles. Of course, the things in the book are not necessarily correct, but books can broaden your horizons, help you establish a relatively clear value system, and improve your "self". Many people complained to me: "Love makes me lose myself." I have had similar complaints myself. Later, I found out that it was not love that made me lose my "self", but that I had not found my "self" at all. The "self" is like swimming. Once you have it, you are less likely to lose it. Throw you into the swimming pool, you can't float, not because you forget how to swim, but because you can't swim at all.

think of a German friend's teasing: Your problem is not your problem,your problem is you. Your problem is not your problem, your problem is you. It sounds very neurotic, but when I think about it, it's really TM.