The biggest difference between self-love and selfishness
people's problem is never that they have their own needs, but that they always try to whitewash and cover it up. -- Zhou Fan
We often see such people at the dinner table. When people ask TA what to eat, TA will say, "whatever."
the friend who ordered next to him nodded and said, OK, let's order Fish Filets in Hot Chili Oil. Then TA said, "it's best not to order something too greasy, it's not healthy," and the friend said, "Oh, let's steam the fish." TA said, "Yes, I can do anything."
then the dish is served, and while eating TA, he will say, "this fish is not very fresh. The last time I came to eat the fish in their house, it was not fresh. I should not order fish."
the person who orders next to him has a strong heart. He laughs and disagrees. Yes, I know. Next time I won't order fish.
the heart is not so strong, embarrassed and suffocated, motherfucker, ask for your opinion, you don't say, you are picky when you're done!
the most common mistake people make in relationships is that they are often unwilling to express their needs actively and explicitly, always trying to be general, easy-going, undemanding, and expecting others to guess what you want. and take the initiative to give you what you want.
if people with this personality trait are friends, they can hide and meet less if they are not near or far away.
if this person is a close relative, such as your parents or your partner, the test will come. if you have this trait yourself, you can drive yourself crazy without mentioning the feelings of others.
once a friend of mine, Y, complained to me:
in her early years, when she first worked, every year on her mother's birthday, she would ask her mother, what do you want for this birthday?
Mom will answer, Oh, come on, it's not easy for you to make money, so don't spend money on gifts for me, just be good.
later, Y stopped asking and bought it himself, but whether it was a cashmere sweater or a tour group for parents. No matter it is cheap or expensive, it seems that nothing satisfies her mother. It is either too expensive, too troublesome, or useless.
if you really bought something useful, you still have to pay the money back later, with a very firm attitude. After giving it several times, it broke up in discord, and Y slowly stopped giving gifts.
two days ago, Y and her mother quarreled about something. The old man seemed to have been holding back for a long time, full of grievances, and denounced the total crime of Y one by one.
one of the biggest things is that she never cares about her. She only knows how to buy gifts for her husband and her children, but she has never given her mother a gift after so many years.
also said that Y only knows how to use her as a mother, what's the use of giving birth to Y and raising Y, Y can't be expected for her at all.
Y was aggrieved when she complained to me, saying that what she said she didn't want and didn't like is now my fault. It's so unreasonable.
I told her:
"all your anger and grievances are because you think she is targeting you. You think she is targeting you because you do not have enough wisdom and strength to understand her inner psychological process.
in your opinion, her performance is unreasonable and unreasonable. Obviously he rejected your kindness to her, but in turn accused you of being unkind to her.
there are many psychological reasons for this behavior: sense of worthlessness, sense of unworthiness, self-proof, self-repression. To sum up, there is only one thing-- it doesn't deserve to be felt. "
it is necessary to have a strong ability of self-acceptance to face and admit the basis of one's own needs. Because you have to admit that you can be "selfish" and have no moral judgment on your own "selfishness", including the "selfishness" of others.
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many Chinese people are ashamed of their own needs.
since ancient times, all mainstream education has spared no effort to stifle the rationality of individual needs.
perhaps the most famous story is the story of Kong Rong yielding pears, in which a four-year-old child gave the oldest pear to other family members and left it to his youngest.
it is extremely inappropriate to advertise this as a model, whether it is truly voluntary or not.
this will make all parents educate and demand their children according to such a reference standard, which is bound to make those children who want to leave a big pear have a heavy sense of shame.
Picture | Weibo netizens @ Dizi Ocarina
so these children's personality development finally has only two directions, either become patient and depressed, or rebellious and angry. On the one hand, there is a need out of human instinct, on the other hand, this need is strongly suppressed, and it is almost inevitable to develop a split personality in the future. This is why there are so many tangled people in this era, because there are always two forces fighting within.
I remember watching a talk show many years ago, and the guest was Zhou Xingchi.
he recalled an incident when he was a child. He said that his family was very poor at that time. Once his mother took him and other brothers and sisters to the street. When he passed a roadside stall, he saw a gadget with few toys and liked it very much. He begged his mother to buy it from her, but his mother disagreed. He continued to beg and even began to cry. As a result, his mother beat the little Zhou Xingchi in the street. Dragged him away from the stall.
when Zhou Xingchi tells this story, his expression is very serious. At the end of the story, he frowned and looked into the host's eyes and said, "if they don't buy it for me, why do you hit me?"
Zhou Xingchi was nearly fifty years old when he asked this question. Even after so many years and great achievements, he still can't let it go.
when we don't respect our own needs, we naturally can't respect the needs of others.
Zhou Xingchi's parents' reaction was a very common reaction among parents at that time, and even now, the situation has not improved much.
the child wants to go to the amusement park and says to his mother over and over again, "I want to go to the amusement park."
Mom, who had just finished angry with her father, was very annoyed: "Why are you so ignorant? my mother is busy for this family all day, making money for you to buy food and clothing, and finally take a rest, and you are not considerate to your mother?" If you don't do things all day, you just know how to play! "
so the child really felt that he had done something wrong and went back to his room sadly.
parents are ordinary people. Of course, when they can't meet their children's requirements, they will feel emotional, tired, and feel stressed. At these times, we will want to rest, do not want to bear this kind of pressure, or have the need to be alone for a while. But because parents have never learned to face their own needs, when these real needs emerge, they will make parents feel ashamed or guilty, especially those with a low sense of self-worth.
so when they reject the child, they will add a lot of reasons to prove that their refusal is reasonable and the child's request is unreasonable. The essence of reason is-"I am right, you are wrong." In this way, guilt is avoided, but the flow of love is blocked, and the child experiences "being rejected = I am wrong".
what is really painful is not that the thing itself did not come to fruition, but that it was judged as "wrong and unreasonable that I am not worthy of love".
this is why Zhou Xingchi is nearly 50 years old, but he is still not relieved from the story of his childhood, because it brings a deep feeling that he is not worthy of being loved.
people who suppress their needs will not disappear because of these self-repression in the end, they will still be there, but will be presented in a more covert and circuitous way.
either completely deny their own needs and curry favor with others, or they have to find a lot of reasons and moral praises for their own needs, and at the same time do another thing, criticizing each other for being immoral if they do not meet their own needs.
one of my visitors is a very beautiful woman.
her relationship with her expensive husband broke up, and all kinds of bloody plots were staged over and over again, and in the end, she was really miserable and wanted a divorce. She said in a very free and easy manner that I could do nothing, and I only had one condition. I want my husband to raise my two children, because only in this way can I take the best care of the children.
as a result, my husband just didn't agree to keep the child. She complained to me during the counseling that how could there be such an irresponsible man, the most shameless man I know, who is rushing to have children after divorce, and this man's character is really terrible.
I reminded her that it is your need to want the other person to keep a child, because you don't have the confidence to deal with the life of a single mother with two children. You can't do it yet. You're scared, but it's not shameful.
but you can't condemn the other person morally in order to whitewash your fears.
this behavior is the same as the psychological motivation of the mother who scolds the asking child for being excessive and ignorant when she is too tired to take her child to the playground.
the American TV series Breaking Bad, which won many awards such as best plot and best actor in 2014, is a very profound film.
the protagonist is Walter, a middle school chemistry teacher who has been a loser all his life.
when he learned that he was terminally ill, in order to leave his family property so that they would not worry about food and clothing after his death, he kept it a secret from his family and used his chemical knowledge to make drugs.
but after he had saved enough money that he had intended to leave to his children, he could not stop and continued to manufacture drugs and drug trafficks. from the first trembling to being familiar with the road, he was involved in more and more criminal syndicates and cases.
his behavior also brought a lot of danger to his family, and at last it was revealed that his wife and son knew that the money he had earned was made by drug manufacturing, and when his family was under great pressure and anger, Walter would argue to his wife every time that I did all this for this family.
in the finale of Breaking Bad, Walter has betrayed his relatives, the family's original house has been taken away by the government, and his wife, children and newborn daughter live in a makeshift settlement. He himself is hiding in a town in the north.
after hiding for nearly a year, he finally decided to go back and end it with the criminals and gangs who had betrayed him. He dodged the police and went back to the shabby apartment where his wife and children lived to say a final farewell to his family.
he confessed something and finally said to his wife, "you have to understand what I've done."
his wife interrupted him angrily: if you want me to hear it again, you're doing this for the family.
Walter interrupted her and said, No, I'm doing this for myself. I like it. I'm really good at this, and I've finally lived a really wonderful life.
his wife heard this with amazement, and it was the first time she had heard that Walter finally stopped using his family to explain his actions.
she relaxed, closed her eyes, lowered her head, and nodded gently.
I knowIt was at this moment that she could really forgive Walter for the harm he had done to her family.
the weaker people are, the more afraid they are to face their own weakness, and the more needy they are, the more they have to try their best to hide their selfishness.
when Walter went through so many storms, his heart finally changed from a cowardly man to a powerful man, it was at this moment that he dared to admit and face his own needs.
when you really know how to express your needs honestly, you begin to be truly responsible.
people do not object to their family and friends doing what they want to do, loving themselves and satisfying themselves.
but what people cannot accept is that the other person must constantly whitewash their own needs and use moral kidnapping to force others to meet their own needs.
dare to face and acknowledge your own needs, take responsibility for it, promote yourself and others, and be able to understand and respect the needs of others. This is loving yourself.
but when there is a need, he uses all kinds of reasons to defend his own needs, deny it, whitewash it, even attack the needs of others, and belittle the rationality of other people's needs. This is selfishness.
this is the biggest difference between self-love and selfishness.