The highlight of your life shouldn't just be the moment when you put on your wedding dress.

The highlight of your life shouldn't just be the moment when you put on your wedding dress.

In today's China, in the face of the indiscriminate bombing of the concept that "women want to marry" in all kinds of media and parents, single and unmarried women have more and more fear and uneasiness, and they can't calm down. because everyone is getting married and having children non-stop, only themselves are different.

1. The post-90s who are anxious to marry recently met several post-90s girls. In the process of chatting with them, I found that what they cared about most and talked to me most was the same as many post-80s girls. That is, how to meet more members of the opposite sex, and then how to choose a boyfriend, and finally how to successfully marry themselves. I was curious and asked them a question: you just graduated from college and you are not even 24 years old. Why are you in such a hurry to get married? Their answers are as follows: now the competition is so fierce, if you don't prepare early, it will be too late. I don't want to be an old "leftover woman".

the older a woman is, the harder it is to find a partner in the love and marriage market. while you are young and have selective capital, when you get older, you can only be chosen by others. The value of women decreases with age. Anyway, they all have to get married, get married early, and have children early, which is also good for the recovery of their bodies in the future. It is better to marry well than to do a good job. Women have two opportunities to change their destiny in this life, the first is birth and the other is marriage, so we should take it seriously and plan early. Wearing a wedding dress is the biggest dream of my life. I think it is very happy to take wedding photos in a beautiful wedding dress. Wedding photos must be taken when they are young. A 23-year-old girl who became pregnant unexpectedly after falling in love with her boyfriend for two months came to me for counseling. I combed through her thoughts and discussed the worst-case scenario with her, and I was shocked. She must marry the divorced man with two children, who is much older than her, and whose family conditions are not as good as her, and she is not very willing to marry her. Her parents also agree with her idea. She and her parents agree that as long as a woman has been married, even if her husband abandons her, it is better for her to take care of her children alone than to be a single leftover woman when she is too old to be married. An old colleague, an 88-year-old girl, talked to me about the troubles of her life on QQ.

she has been on a blind date since the age of 24, and she meets at least one boy every weekend, often with three or four boys for two whole years, but has not met anyone she is satisfied with so far. The two-year matchmaking marathon made her physically and mentally exhausted. At the same time, she was criticized by various relatives of seven aunts and eight aunts and matchmakers who introduced her to her, saying that she was too picky, that she had psychological problems, that she was not very beautiful, and that she had to figure out her situation. In short, she is no longer going on a blind date, in addition to the pressure of marriage and love, there is also the pain of being poked in the spine, but the deeper pain comes from her heart: the lack of self-worth, the emptiness and loneliness of life, and regret and regret for the irreparable wasted time. She couldn't help thinking over and over again: if I don't go on a blind date, I'll do what I've always wanted to do, and use this time to realize my dream, will I be happier now? To succeed in marrying herself, she had always wanted to study abroad and did not take action.

This is the cruelty of time and choice. You can never start all over again. When you choose the A-side of the life coin, you are giving up the B side of the life coin. After listening to her painful talk, I comforted her as a friend: just as the blind date of these two years is your life lesson, now that you have finished this homework, you can do other things. It's never too late to realize your dream. But my words did nothing to comfort an anxious heart. Second, the anxiety of "leftover Girls" in movies and TV dramas Why are these young girls so anxious about getting married? I think the values conveyed by our current media and public opinion environment are playing an important role in promoting it. In recent years, when I want to relax by watching movies and TV dramas, I will look for Japanese dramas or domestic TV dramas from the 1980s and 1990s, such as "the Queen of the Generation" and "Foreign Girls". I haven't watched the current TV dramas in China for a long time. Why? Because in recent years, the values presented by domestic TV dramas are too single and boring, which is a central idea-"Women want to get married". 

TV dramas in the 1980s and 1990s often emphasize that women should be independent, open up a broader world for themselves, and live out the splendor of their lives. And today's TV series can see its theme from the name alone, such as "Women should be married", "Qian Duoji" in previous years, "Let's get married" recently, "one servant, two masters" and so on, these at least 30 or 40 episodes of TV dramas, no matter how beautifully produced, how fashionable the costumes are, how shining the stars are, the values they convey are far behind those of the 1980s and 1990s, that is, a "marriage culture". The same is true of movies in recent years, such as "Love call transfer", "Happiness quota", "single Men and Women", "if you are the one" and other films either have a large number of blind dates, or show how the heroine marries herself step by step, or succeed in marrying a rich man. In movies and TV dramas, even if women succeed in marrying themselves, the next theme of life is still chicken feathers, focusing on "the war between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law", "fighting the other woman", "defending marriage" and so on. For example, TV dramas such as "the Beautiful Times of my wife", "the arrival of my mother-in-law" and "the War of Marriage" were once very popular. Anyway, getting married, living with a man, and keeping your marriage represent everything in a woman's life. This value of "women want to marry" appears not only in all kinds of movies and TV dramas but also in all kinds of marriage websites, variety shows, women's books, pop songs, and TV commercials. There are more and more variety shows of matchmaking, and almost every satellite TV has its dating show. During the Spring Festival, when advertisements for love and marriage websites were broadcast on various satellite TV stations, grandma asked, "are you married?" It scares countless single women.

 The culture of marriage even spread to the parks of the city. People's Park in Shanghai has now become a famous tourist attraction, not only for foreigners to visit Shanghai but also for outsiders to visit Shanghai. They went to the park mainly to see the spectacular blind date corner. Every weekend, at the dating corner of the people's Park, countless parents write their children's personal information on pieces of paper and hang them with ropes, and many agents "list" for single men and women for a certain fee. Thousands of classified ads for marriage are spread on both sides of the road, full of people, pedestrians interacting with each other, browsing through this snowflake of "listing" information, prospective parents consulting each other, and there is a hubbub of voices, and there is often a "snatch war". About 80 percent of singles in these "listed" ads are women, with more than 2000 gathered at their peak.

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people's Square dating Angle

some time ago, a group of foreign beauties dressed up appeared at the dating corner in the people's park, and many foreign beauties also printed their dating resumes, "salary: a lot of money." Hukou: EU hukou. Wedding house: waiting for you to buy. These foreign beauties attract many aunts and uncles who come to find a marriage for their children. However, it is not clear whether they want to go on a blind date or just for fun. Although many foreigners go to the blind date corner to "watch the fun", many of them may not understand why Chinese parents are so anxious about their children's marriage, why parents are scrambling for contact information, and why parents are looking for someone for their children. In their eyes, such a scene may just be one of the strange sights of China. It is said that now there are similar dating corners in other cities, where parents are actively working for their children's marriage and are duty-bound to use all their resources and skills to enable them to get married. the most important thing is to impose their marriage values on their children. Therefore, in addition to the media's efforts to export the value of "women want to marry", Chinese parents are also sparing no effort to spread this value. They are brainwashing and oppressing their children day after day.

A reader wrote to me that her mother kept forcing her to get married, even though she was only 25 years old. Her mother often said to her: "even if they are divorced, it is better than you who have never been married." Every time she heard this, her heart was stabbed with needles, and she couldn't understand why her mother said such hurtful words to herself. Why is it better for a woman and a man who does not love to get a certificate to make do with life than to be happily single? Some mothers will say to their daughter: you can't get married, no matter how good your career is, no matter how much money you make is a loser. Why does a woman have to rely on a man to define her success and failure? why does a woman have no man, everything in her life is meaningless? Another mother said to her daughter, "it is a disgrace to us that you have never married and humiliated our whole family." Why is it that marriage and men, like the clothes that Eve must wear, are abnormal and shameful without clothes? It can be guessed that countless Chinese mothers are saying similar things to their daughters at the moment, constantly belittling and attacking the value of their daughters to make them conform to their values and find a man to marry smoothly. These mothers do not know that the sky of their daughters is no longer as low as the sky they used to be, and there is more possibility of spreading their wings in Fly in the sky of their daughters. Third, when the starting point becomes the endpoint, the result of conforming to this kind of marriage culture often leads to the tragedy of personal life. I have a friend who married a blind date under pressure from his parents at the age of 33. Later found that marriage life is really painful because both sides have no love, often quarrel and stage cold violence, so divorce quickly a year later. A female netizen wrote to say that with age, many people around them got married, and then their girlfriends all got married. Weibo and QQ groups were either posting wedding photos or talking about brands of milk powder and diapers. She has no friends, and she doesn't want to make younger female friends. At the same time, facing the pressure from her parents to get married, she forced herself to get married even though she didn't want to get married.

 After two painful years of marriage, it ended in divorce. Another male netizen wrote to say that under the pressure of his parents, he married someone at the age of 34 and soon gave birth to a child. When the child was 2 years old, he met a girl who could make him fall in love, so he had an affair, but his heart was very miserable. On the one hand is the responsibility of the family, on the other hand, is the sweetness of love. He has no love for his wife, not even for his children, and does not know how to carry the marriage through to the end. Wandering on the issue of divorce or not, struggling between morality and love. One of the reasons why the divorce rate in China is getting higher and higher is that two people who enter into a marriage have no love and get married to get married.

 If you get married to get married or to marry a girl, or if you get married just to wear a wedding dress and take a wedding photo, or if you get married just for the framework of a marriage, to get rid of the pressure brought by the eyes of others, such a marriage is very dangerous. When you find someone to marry casually to reduce the pressure of external marriage, the result is that the marriage is more painful, unbearable, and physically and mentally hurt, and it can only end in divorce. Originally, marriage is only the starting point, but you regard it as the end, and in the end, it can only come to a tragic end. Corresponding to marriage anxiety is the soaring divorce rate.

the divorce rate in Shanghai, Beijing, and other places has already exceeded 30%, reaching 40%. The Ministry of Civil Affairs has released such a set of figures: "in the first half of 2013, a total of 1.93 million couples went through divorce procedures, an increase of 10 percent over the previous year, and the crude divorce rate was 2.5 percent. , an increase of 0.2 thousand points over the previous year. Among them, the civil affairs department registered 1.403 million divorce pairs, and the court filed for divorce 400000 pairs. " The annual divorce rate in China is increasing year by year, and the increase of divorce rate far exceeds that of marriage. More interestingly, more and more women are asking for a divorce. At the same time, there are more and more singles in China, more and more people marry later, and more and more people choose to be single. Of course, there are more and more women who are single, marry late, and choose celibacy. In my opinion, with a high divorce rate, women take the initiative to choose divorce, and there are many "leftover women". This is the manifestation of Chinese women becoming more and more free and independent. Women in China are being educated and acquired more and more men have the same opportunities and rights as men in job opportunities, they grow up quickly and perform extremely well. They have the independent financial ability, can support themselves well, and no longer need to rely on men through marriage as their mothers do; they are free and bold to pursue love and value the quality of marriage rather than the framework of marriage. They are not willing to accommodate and make do, do not care so much about the vision of others, do not want to be bound by moral concepts, and want to live the way they like. This is the internal reason why there are so many "leftover women" in China.

 On the other hand, the aesthetic concept and mate selection concept of Chinese men has not kept pace with the times. as soon as they encounter women who are independent and capable, especially women who are better developed than them in their careers, they become impotent and lack self-confidence; they do not know how to appreciate the charm of mature women. They prefer Lori type and young tooth type women, because such women are more likely to "obey" and "train". They still commercialize the age of women, thinking that the older women are, the less valuable they are. This is an external reason for a large number of "leftover women" in China. There is still a long way to go for both sexes in China to change this situation. Fourth, independently create your purpose of life in Japan, there are also a large number of "leftover women". According to statistics, in the 30 years from 1975 to 2005, the proportion of marriageable women (25-29 years old) in Japan increased sharply from 20.9% to 59%. In addition to pouring into the "marriage" team, they began to go on a blind date and get married. at the same time, they also began to think about the possibility of women living alone, and the pros and cons of not getting married. During this period, there were many books on the theme of living and growing old alone. Chinese readers are familiar with Naoko Takagi's "living alone" series and Ueno Chihiko's "one Old Queen". During the Spring Festival in 2013, a relative living in Japan told me that it was very common for Japanese women to live alone, and among the six women she worked with, two unmarried women in their forties had decided not to marry for the rest of their lives. The so-called glimpse of the leopard shows a large number of single women in Japan. In the fall of 2012, Japan's Fuji TV launched a TV series called "not getting married," in which two older women, 35-year-old Chiharu Tanaka and 44-year-old Haruko Tongshima, each did not marry and why. The show begins with a sociology course on love and marriage in Japan and runs through the play. In the end, both heroines get true love, but they are not married. The play rethinks the concept of marriage in the form of combining theory with reality: do you have to get married while you get true love? In Japan, with the gradual enhancement of women's high education and independence, the phenomenon of late marriage or even non-marriage is becoming more and more common, and Japanese society is becoming more and more tolerant of these women.


 

compared with Japan, perhaps because of our limited level of development, Chinese society lacks this kind of tolerance and respect for single women. In my opinion, the "marriage culture" that Chinese media and parents are doing their best to spread and inculcate in young women is an external manifestation of the trend of female independence, because they are afraid of Chinese women's "unmarried doctrine" and "celibacy". Fearing that their life samples are different from their own, they begin to use large-scale brainwashing tactics. In today's China, in the face of the indiscriminate bombing of the concept that "women want to marry" in all kinds of media and parents, single and unmarried women have more and more fear and uneasiness, and they can't calm down. because everyone is getting married and having children non-stop, only themselves are different. "you are different is abnormal." people are getting married, see what you are doing." this has caused a lot of pressure and anxiety to them. In my opinion, this is a disguised value rape. At what age does a person marry, who does he marry, can he or she not get married and have children? These are personal matters and personal choices. Society should give more respect and freedom to the individual will instead of brainwashing repression with unified values. The practice of society can not help but speculate that the motive behind it is to meet the purpose of political rule and management needs. Eighty years ago, Woolf encouraged women in the Feminist Literary Manifesto "A Room of your own": "I hope you can try your best to earn yourself enough money to travel and do nothing. 

To think about the future or past of the world, to read, dream or wander the streets, and let the fishing line of thinking sink deep into this stream." More than 60 years ago, Beaufort wrote a remark that made women reflect in her feminist work second Sex: "when women begin to participate in planning the world, the world still belongs to men: men are not aware of it." and women are almost unaware of it. To refuse to be others and to conspire with men is to give up all the benefits of association with the higher classes. The man-the king protects the woman materially-the loyal monarch, the former is responsible for ensuring the survival of the latter: women avoid the economic danger as well as the metaphysical danger brought by freedom: this freedom should create a purpose in isolation. Every individual tries to determine that he is the subject, which is an ethical ambition. In fact, in addition, the person has the intention to escape freely and become a thing: this is a sinister road because people are passive, alienated, and lost. Will become the victims of foreign will, separated from its transcendence, deprived of all value. However, this is an easy way to go: it avoids the anxiety and tension caused by the real burden of survival. " Whether they are young girls or older "leftover women", they need to be on guard against the brainwashing of "marriage culture". Be wary of brainwashing: "A woman's greatest career is to marry herself", "A woman's best success is to be a good wife and mother", "a woman should do well than to marry", "even if they are divorced, they are better than those who have never been married."Marriage is your only way out. If you don't marry, you will. There is no way out. When you listen to such words, you often get a tragic fate, because women who take marriage as their duty often fail to build a happy marriage, just as mercenary businessmen do not earn rich wealth. In any case, marriage should not be the whole of your life, nor the purpose and end of your life. Marriage is only a form of human survival, marriage is only a part of human life, and the wonderful moment of your life should not be just the moment of putting on your wedding dress. Don't give up the opportunity to create your purpose and meaning in life just because you are a woman.

you can make money, work, travel, read, think, realize your dreams, do nothing or hang out on the streets, as Woolf said, instead of just getting married. If you only want to get married and nothing else, it may be because it is an easier way to marry than to create your purpose independently, or that marriage is your way of making a living. you have fallen to the point of marrying yourself to survive.?. Jenna McCarthy, an American writer who has long studied relationships, has shared important findings of a happy marriage, one of which is that the more active men do housework, the more sex you have and the happier your marriage will be. I recall that the author of "Eat, Pray, Love" once said, "if you want to advise your daughter, if you want her to live a happy life when she grows up, you must encourage her to finish her studies, postpone her marriage as long as possible, have a life of her own, control the number of children, and find a man who is willing to clean the bathtub. In this way, your daughter can live a healthy, rich, and happy life, just like her husband. " I hope that through our efforts, women of our generation can continue to strive for women's equality and freedom, set an example for our daughters, and encourage our daughters to be independent and create their values in the world when they grow up. To complete their exploration of life, then you can find a man who is willing to clean the bathtub and live a happy life with him.