In the blink of an eye

I have never had any great dreams. I have never dreamed of being a scientist, a doctor, or a teacher. I have never had any lofty ambitions. There is only one thing that I have never given up on since I came up with this idea, and that is, I want to go to Berlin.

I probably didn't think I would come to Berlin in this way. I have never had any great dreams. I have never dreamed of being a scientist, a doctor, or a teacher. I have never had any lofty ambitions. There is only one thing that I have never given up on since I came up with an idea. That is, I want to go to Berlin. So if you ask me what your dream is, I will answer, go to Berlin. It's really strange to dream somewhere. When I first had the idea, going to Berlin was out of reach, but over time it became within reach. If you go online to inquire about the ticket from Suzhou to Berlin, it will show that the flight distance is 8349 kilometers. Compared with other people's dreams, it is not difficult to go to Berlin. All you need is a visa and a plane ticket, and it is not very expensive in terms of realizing your dreams. But for many years after that, I couldn't find a way to cross these 8349 kilometers. I didn't think it was a problem that could be solved by a plane ticket. I always felt that I should walk to Berlin in another way. So Berlin became a director. It seems that the direction of life has been changed from the moment I decided to go there, but I didn't realize what kind of moment it was when I made the decision. I still thought it was an ordinary day. Because of this decision, universities, majors, and even many life plans have followed on a new path. There have been many setbacks and have been rejected many times. To this day, my family has never understood my dream. 

I have been very eager to study in Berlin for many years. I think this is the way I went there, but this road is not favored and agreed upon by my family. During this period, the most important factor is not money, but my family's disapproval of my ability. "Why is it necessary for people like you to study abroad, just stay at home and wait for death?" Yes, anyone would think so. I don't think their idea is wrong. I was in extremely bad shape at that time. I just wanted to go, but I couldn't do anything to change it. Someone once wrote a bean mail telling me that if graduate students admitted to the Department of Architecture of Tongji University could have the opportunity to exchange to study in Berlin, I replied at that time that I could not be admitted to the Department of Architecture of Tongji University. If I could be admitted, I wouldn't be like this. I did not receive a reply the other party has nothing to say for people like me, for the sake of others, if it is me, in the face of such myself, naturally only hehe two words. I wrote this dream two years ago because it had come to an end for me at that time, and I didn't see any possibility of realizing it. Because I am not only fooling around all day waiting to die, but also stuck in serious social obstacles, I often think that people like me are qualified to talk about what dreams do not dream. I am tarnishing the word "dream". People like me should die. After the article was written, I received a lot of encouragement from many people. Looking at this encouragement, I would also think, but you do not know what kind of quagmire I am trapped in, the kind of quagmire that wants to change but is unable to change. There are encouragement and disdain and criticism, disdain is disdain for the funny and ridiculous of my dream, criticism is that I do not want to make progress and only want to spend my parents' money to study abroad to realize my dream is ridiculous, people like me do not deserve a dream. I don't think everyone said anything wrong. At that time, I felt that I was a very ridiculous person and fell into a ridiculous situation. Due to the lack of ability but stubbornness to take this road, until now I can not find recognition, naturally encountered a lot of great trouble, life repeatedly fell into a low ebb, but there is no hope of getting better. I don't want to describe what happened during the trough.

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 After all, I asked for it. It was all rooted in my cowardice and stupidity. Although I managed to survive it, I didn't become as strong as the protagonist of the warm-blooded teen comic book to be a hero. After being criticized, my glass heart broke to the ground, so I swept up the glass dregs and let them float away with the wind with my integrity. (I am often asked why you are obsessed with a city you have never seen. You want to live there, but you have not even been there once. Have you ever thought that you have been there, but you don't like it? Yes, it sounds like I'm going to be in a ridiculous position again. I've been thinking about this for a long time. Will I be disappointed in Berlin? No, no, Berlin is not a destination, Berlin is a direction, my dream is a direction, I want to go there, either completely wrong, or go better and better, but there is no option of disappointment. But because of my stubbornness and stupidity, I never thought about turning back. 

I often thought, "if you can't, just die. Why turn back? after all, the bright life that belongs to you does not belong to me." After thinking about this problem, I slightly let go of some of my obsession with the city itself, but I still have to go this way. At the beginning of this year, when I went to Florence, I said to my colleagues, "wait a minute. I'm going to have a look at Notre Dame Cathedral first. When I walked through the alley to the square and saw the huge red dome on the church, I was a little shocked. I have painted this church, turned to pictures of it countless times in textbooks, and answered many times the relationship between Notre Dame Cathedral and the Renaissance." But when I saw it, I still felt that everything was beyond imagination, and there was still a voice from the bottom of my heart. Yes, that's it. I just need to know that this is enough. I went to Venice in May and Rome in June. I saw Venice and Rome countless times in travel magazines. Countless times in my mind, I walked to the city that "I must see it when I have the opportunity to see it". Venice is as picturesque as in the movie. Gondola boats are busily shuttling through the river and tourists are bustling. After walking to San Marco Square, the most beautiful square in Europe, I and the people around me said, "Hey, if you look at the picture, you can't understand why it is the most beautiful square." the person next to me pointed to the century-old shop on both sides and said, "you can drink Coke here." There was torrential rain in Venice in the afternoon, and the island of Burano was like a fairy tale after the rain. The Roman street scene is very much like an old movie, yellow and warm, rows of small coffee shops lined the street, motorcyclists roaring past you, and the density of historical sites is almost illusory about the transformation of time and space. The skyline of the old city is unforgettable in the setting sun. 

All these things that I had imagined or did not imagine unfolded before my eyes very quickly, and what I never thought I would see with my own eyes is now vivid. It wasn't until then that I thought I could try to walk to Berlin. In August, I set out from Milan, via France, Spain, and then to Germany. Along the way, I went through many cities and verified many of the stories I had heard. Spanish is indeed very close to Italian, regardless of pronunciation or alphabet. Some French people do answer your questions in French even though they understand English. Many people wear fancy clothes to walk down the aisle before the opening of the Cannes Film Festival. Young people can be seen lying on the beach drinking beer all over Germany. Then I went all the way north and finally came to Berlin. When I went down to the subway station to the station near the Brandenburg Gate, I remembered that at that time I had no hope of going to Berlin. That night I had a dream in which I was standing in the Berlin subway. The subway is heading towards the Brandenburg Gate. But now, even this dream has come true. Standing in the carriage at that time, I had an indescribable mood and finally came to the land of dreams. When I got out of the station and did not take a few steps to the street on June 17th, I suddenly saw the Brandenburg Gate in the shade, which appeared to me unexpectedly, and the wings of the Bronze Goddess of Victory shone in the afterglow. Suddenly feel a soft foot, I said to myself, why do you want soft feet, walk over ah. He walked over, came to the Piazza de Paris, looked up, and saw the Brandenburg Gate from the front. Along the way, I walked through many cities, saw Renaissance Florence, saw the picturesque Venice, saw the great Rome, saw the romantic nice, saw the wonderful Barcelona, but only here, let me feel that everything has settled, strange and familiar. Then I walked through the Piazza de Paris, through the street under the banyan tree, through the places I had pointed out on the map before, and there were voices in my heart, yes, this is it. As far as I know, I still live a poor and boring life, I am still stubborn and stupid, and I know that coming to Berlin doesn't change anything, it won't make me better, it won't make me worse. 

However, when I stood in front of Brandenburg that evening, for a second, no, maybe just a moment, I still felt that I had won. It's like it's all over, and it's like it's just the beginning. The next morning I packed my things and was ready to leave Berlin, and there was a voice in my head urging me to leave, as if someone were whispering to me, well, young people, go home quickly, have a rest, and go further away at the next stop. While waiting for the plane at Berlin's TEGEL airport, I began to calculate the expenses from Florence to Berlin, which was almost the same as the contribution fee earned by the Jetlag Party. I got to know a lot of foreign students because I wrote my dreams. I heard a lot of stories. I wrote these stories down, and the money I earned from writing these stories made me walk to Berlin. Remember I gave the book to my mother last year. I asked her, did you read it? She replied that she had seen some. I said, what do you think? 'it 's not so good, 'she said.' your writing is bad and ridiculous. Then she asked me, how do you know these people? I replied, Douban. She asked me, why did you go to Douban? I said, to meet people in Berlin. Everything seems to be in a circle, end to end. It's like it's all over, and it's like it's just the beginning. Until now, I am still very grateful, my dream is to go to Berlin, and it is because of this dream that I have become who I am now. There is nothing good about me now. I am a three-dimensional loser, with no good at all. I am stubborn, stupid, and incompetent, but at least, I have a little bit of love for myself now, and I still want to continue on this road. I believe that this dream will make me a better person like this. I like this road, and I want to go further.