How to quarrel with your lover?

excerpt /UCLA Open course: when discussing problems, unhappy couples often "strong> diverge discussion " and fall into a strange circle called kitchen sink. What is the kitchen sink? It refers to everything that a local conflict spreads over your entire intimate relationship. You were talking about the kitchen sink, and all of a sudden the conversation was about how I treated your mother, even before we started dating when I was late, and all of a sudden I started getting even.

Happy couples don't do this. They always talk about it. Unhappy couples can't do this and can't focus their conversation on one topic. Unhappy couples also like " self-summary ". Self-summary is to love to emphasize what they want to say. On the contrary, happy couples like to sum up what each other has said.

unhappy couples always say: I'll say it again; I'll tell you again; you don't know what I mean; you're not listening to me; what I'm trying to say is. That's all I want to say. A happy couple will say, "do you see if I understand what you mean?" The difference here is huge, and happy couples are more willing to communicate. You can imagine that unhappy couples will say, why can't you listen to me? Why don't you understand me? None of this is going to happen if you keep summarizing yourself. Real communication comes from the negative side of self-summary, you should say: you just said something, I don't know if this is correct; do I understand what you mean; no, let's try again; do I understand it this time? great. I feel so happy. Because I understand you, you will be very happy. And self-summary always gets in the way of all this. " presupposes " can always be found in unhappy couples. The presupposition is that you think you know what other people are thinking.

for example, you don't care about me, although you send me flowers, you just flatter me for the wrong thing before! It's a lot like mind reading, blocking communication. If the conversation you are participating in is full of assumptions, you are talking to yourself. Presuppose that the other party's speech is cut off because he has no choice. The unhappy couple said, "I know what you're thinking; I know why you did that." The happy couple said, "what are you thinking?" Why did you do that? You can see the difference. The difference lies in closeness and openness. The meaning of openness is that I want to know why you did it, open your heart and tell me; tell me what it means to you. Happy couples ask open-ended questions, while unhappy couples ask questions that cannot be answered. They have a set-up technique called hostile questions. This kind of question seems to be a question, but in fact, there is no answer. They were just blaming, and there was no answer to keep the conversation going. For example: what were you thinking? How stupid would it take to spend 500 yuan on that thing?

another problem is " cross-complaint ", which is a bit like a conditioned reflex.

for example, someone said, "Honey, I have a question. I don't like you spending our time together watching TV." If it is a happy couple, they will say, "all right, let's talk about this." What else do you want me to do? Or what do you want to do? Cross-complaining couples will say: I forgot if you don't tell me, you bastard, you never give me any space. Cross-complaining is similar to self-summary. the two are obsessed with their problems, trying to find solutions, but have nothing to do with each other's themes. Unhappy couples tend to fall into the "strong> negative cycle " caused by conflict.

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after ten minutes of conversation, negative emotions will appear. Their negative emotions also influence each other. In other words, the negative emotions of one spouse will be passed on to the other's behavior. For example, if you say you have offended me, I will respond strongly, and you certainly did not expect me to be tough. Happy couples take neutral behavior when each other is negative, which is also a skill. If your spouse says: you bored me last night. This is a kind of criticism, no one likes to be criticized, then how should I respond? The screen shows a range of choices: negative, neutral, and positive. Which one should I choose? Unhappy couples will directly choose negative behavior: you're tired of me, aren't you? I'm tired of you, too! Happy couples spend a lot of time dealing with this situation, such as: am I boring you? Let's talk about what makes you hate me. Of course, it won't be easy, but it will get you out of the negative cycle. Just imagine if any relationship is like a Palestinian-Israeli conflict, if you throw something at me, I will fight back, all right, bring it on, it's great! You keep entangling, negative emotions continue to accumulate, the situation is getting worse and worse. If you don't want your relationship to be too messy, someone needs to propose to get out of this vicious circle. Don't turn neutral behavior into negative behavior, don't be the first to knock down dominoes, because you know what's going to happen. It's hard to be positive all the time, but can you pay attention to the expression? You can express negative content with positive emotions.

this study lists three positive emotions: humor, empathy, and interest. If you have a lot of negative content, but you express these three emotions to your partner at the same time, if you overcome all difficulties, then the negative person can still have a better quality marriage. In other words, well, you're negative, which is not a good thing, but if you're not emotionally positive, it sucks. In times of conflict, you are caught up in the most negative events, but you can also express: you know, I still love you. I'm freaking out right now, but I.Still love you. This sends a strong message: love is more important than conflict. We do not like conflicts, we do not like disagreements, but I would like to remind you that our foundation is very solid. Conflict may have a great impact on me, or it may be important, but it is far less important than connecting you and my feelings. That's the message. Although it is not that easy to do, I advise you to give it a try.